Barbara Feldman: Half-Empty Nest

Well my empty nest started just this week only an added worry is that my boy has special needs. He went off to Uni on Sunday and I haven't stopped crying since. He's been my friend, my child for 19 years and for the past 3 my carer also since I became ill.
Coping physically without him is hard but mentally it's worse. People write about rediscovering their partners and marriages but sadly this is also a time when the cracks in amarriage become huge chasms and you realise you have absolutely nothing to say to each other any more.
I worry that he won't cope, won't settle, won't make friends, get lost, get mugged but I know deep down that he's having a whale of a time and it's me who has no purpose, no direction and right now, not much hope of ever being able to get out of the house and start again.

Hi Barbara
Well, the 'empty nest syndome' isn't as bad as it seems!
I have three children, two daughters happily married one son to wed in December 06.

The most painful part is when the first child leaves! You are ridden with feelings of guilt, regret, angst, but this passes! Once you get used to it, the second child spreads their wings and somehow, it doesn't hurt so much! By the time the youngest fledgling decides to fly, you kind of give a sigh of relief!

But don't be deceived! My youngest almost 'lives' with us! She has two young sons who make this house their second home, Bless them! Our eldest daughter now has a young son and she has made weekly visits to us, so it's really not that BAD!!!
God love them! What's that old saying?
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

Keep your spirits up!

Kind regards

Veronica,

Perth

Western Australia

Well, I thought you might enjoy a little bit different perspective. We've had an empty nest on again off again kind of thing. We have one married daughter who is teaching 2nd grade, almost 26, married for 3 years to a wonderful man who also is a teacher. Our second daughter is 23. She teaches English in China and just returned to China for the second time, after giving us a year of her life, helping us with our small charter school. We love having her come home, but then know she'll be leaving again for some new adventure.
We LOVE the empty nest! I guess it's because we're very blessed with kids who are doing well in their own lives and we have peace in our hearts about what they've become and are becoming. We are soooo busy that we don't have much time to feel blue. We have regular contact with both daughters and treasure all the times we get to spend with them.
I could go on and on, but it kind of boils down to life being full of seasons. We were blessed with a gracious season of growing up as a family and now we celebrate this new season in our life.
There are freedoms with the empty nest that make it fun for us.
May you find special times as husband and wife as the dynamics of your home change and may you find the joy in what this time brings.

My daughter went off to college ten years ago. It was hard when she first left. We set up a "promise to call" every Wednesday night before she left. A the beginning they were the highlight of my week. We also emailed or imed every day. It was hard the first month, but each month became easier. We had always been close, but she became more of my friend. The benefit I didn't know I would get was my freedom. I could do the things I couldn't or wouldn't before. I was a single mom and dating became much easier. I know longer had to worry if I was setting the right example for her. If I felt like I wanted ice cream for dinner, I could have it and not feel guilty. She came home every summer and each fall was hard, but not as hard as the first. She now lives on her own in the area. I admire her for her perservance getting her master's. She worked two jobs and went to school three hours away two nights a week. Do I miss her not being in my house? I'm sure there will always be times when I do, but she had to go in order to become the beautiful woman that she turned into. I wouldn't change a thing.

It is a very long and slow process to get used to the empty nest feeling even when one child is left home. Their lives become so busy that you don't see or talk to them very often. My husband and I have been adjusting for the past two years to our two daughters growing up and having a social life of their own. But I must say that my husband and I have become closer to each other and we are beginning to enjoy the same activities with more energy and excitement such as cooking and traveling. There also comes the feeling of 'freedom'. We can go out any night of the week without a worry as to making dinner for the kids or getting them into bed.
A note to Bonnie and her posting from 9/13/06:
Thank you for that beautiful poem. We lost our 16 year old dog, companion, and fur-person 9/12/06. Your sentiments reflected ours so well.

I don't think anything can prepare you for watching your child(ren) leave the nest. After the last one, I remember thinking, "Why did I have them if I can't keep them?". LOL

I'll tell you something that really helped us to cope after their visits home. It was so difficult to turn around after seeing them off and walk back into the "quiet" house. So we started not going back inside, we grabbed the car keys and just got in the car and drove around for a couple of hours. Then, coming home did not seem so forlorn.

Just remember, Parental love is the only love that MUST grow toward separation.

Rainbo

We have just packed the second and last son off to college. They both attend in state. We miss their energy, abilities to download music, fix anything video or computer driven, their laughing friends, the friends who were girls who felt like daughters, and the need to keep the fridge, along with the pantry, full.

We can go to sleep and no teens call or come over for last minute, small parties. Their side of the house is quiet, almost tomblike. The pets are lonely since there is no one else checking in with them but their masters who feed them. We keep asking ourselves how did time pass so quickly!

Even our cell phones ring less and the mail is lighter with no college solicitations or credit card applications. We need to call the garbage company to reduce the number of our cans.
No more arguments about the air conditioner running too low or lights left on.

You know, I didn't add it all up until I sat down to respond to this. We are SO glad we had children. It is very hard to let them go. But we love who they have become. They are friendly, inquisitive, and hard working. May the relationship continue after the "parenting" is over. Is it every over? I know we still worry a bit.....and miss them desperately. But we are grateful for the joy we shared and how they changed both of us for the better.

Lucinda & Rich

It's such a mixture of feelings that you may be experiencing. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to express. I am the mother of six children -- three boys and three girls. Two of my children are now married.My eldest lives away from home and my middle daughter and middle son just left for college last week. She is approximately 2 hours away from home. This leaves my youngest, a daughter who is a high school sophmore, at home with two crazy parents, lots of friends and neighbors and a cat. When the other children left one by one, I shed a few tears for a couple of days and then bravely carried on with my life, still busy with the rest of the crew. However, when my daughter left last week, it suddenly hit me. In a couple of years the baby will be moving on, too. Wow -- full circle -- back to just my husband and me at home, again, starting a new life without the children. Everyone is still in state and we all communicate 2-3 times per week. Those that live close by pay weekly visits. It's so nice to have watched them grow and take charge of their lives and help me out when needed. I miss them, the noise, the busy pace of keeping up with everyone and what they need to do. Yet, I'm so proud of all of them and the choices they have made. It's such a beautiful feeling. I guess the old man and I have been given some down time -- we need to re-energize and prepare for the grandchildren (we hope!). Just take things a day at a time, keep in touch with everyone, and do something special for yourself once in a while.

My husband and I have been going through empty nest syndrome for the last 5 years because my son or my daughter seem to keep touching base with us every 6 months or so. They come back to live for a few months before they go back to school or get a job after graduating. You just seem to get used to them in the household again, then they're gone. There is an emotional transition each time it happens, coming and going. With my daughter it is harder because she is a single mother and so she AND my grandson are leaving. This time she got a permanent teaching job out of town. The house is extremely quiet without a 5-year-old. So my husband and I adjust and now have more time for each other!

Well Well,
We have 2 teens---13 and 17. Our oldest is leaving to join the Army Reserves after graduation and then college. I have been the stay at home Dad and I know it's going to be very hard for me. It's like having to recreate a life after they leave since most of your time has been devoted to raising them so they can leave. I know it'll be OK but it's going to feel very empty to me for a while. My favorite parenting guru says, "parenting is the only job that once you get good at it you are unemployed.
I'm very proud of how my kids are turning out and very proud that *I* got to be the stay at home.

My oldest son left for the University of Calgary last week and I still feeling an empty space. I miss his wit and wisdom at the supper table and his grumpy good morning as he heads for his shower in the morning. I know the little birds have to fly on their own, but it is hard as a mom to let them go. Luckily I can phone him and email him, but I wanted to go with him. He told me it was time to cut the umbilical cord so I am trying to be less clingy.

Carol Marcellus

The Last Battle
If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this -- the last battle -- can't be won.
You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.
We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close -- we two -- these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.
In loveing Memeory of the Last Boy to leave Our Home.
Tyke
Sept 9 2006

Here is a bizarre twist on the Steve Irwin story that I heard on NPR. There have been a number of sting rays found dead in the same area where he died. The sting rays were definitely slaughtered with their "tails" cut off. This is sad that a person or persons could feel that this is justified. And of course, Steve Irwin would be quite upset at the slaughter.